So last night as I was dancing to music and putting bread away on the shelf I happened to pay attention to what was playing and ironically it was "Nightshift" by The Commodores.
This song plays every night on the nightshift among the other shitty music I am subjected to while working my shift. My opinion is that they play this song everynight to remind me that I am working third shift because it seems that sometimes we go a little crazy and forget we are at work with all the random beeping and the lack of human interaction. Every now and then the Kwik Star ghost will make himself or herself known by opening and closing freezer and cooler doors or throwing the bread that I just neatly stack on the shelf to the floor. When I am by myself and get all my stuff done I tend to head to the kitchen where I plop my fat ass down on the donut table and brace my feet up on the wall and let my thoughts carry me away. I usually get about 20 minutes of daydreaming til I am pulled back down to reality by the annoying buzzer of the door alarm going off alerting me to the presence of a human or the ghost opening the door. I think he knows when I am slacking off cause I will hear the door open but when I come out no one is in the store and no cars are in the parking lot. I think I should try appeasing him by leaving a fresh donut sitting on the counter then maybe he will retreat back to the freezer where I am pretty sure he lives and haunt the frozen pizzas instead of my daydreaming.
Recently Carol the "Boss" has plagued my existence by hiring a dimwitted bitch. I think she too must see how the lack of human interaction is taking it's toll on me. Third shift used to be fun when I could do what I wanted when I wanted until the recent addition to our payroll came along and fucked that all up. It seems that I have to retrain her everynight because everything I crammed into her tiny little head the day before is lost in the void in her head before it hits the pillow each morning. She has finally master the coffee machine, for now, and is ready to move on to a greater challenge...operating the sink! She feels the need to compare everything to her old job in Florida, at times I wish she would go back to that job, as if that will make it suddenly transform into something she if familiar with. I'm sorry our coffee machines are not like yours but you still have to learn how to operate them knowing how to operate machines we don't have will not help you so stop reminding me that you know how to use "those machines" and not "these machines". I'm almost positive she has a copy of our "break policy" but has not read it and feels the need to get in heated battles with me that "by law" she is allowed one break every two hours because she is in a criminal justice class and knows everything. I do not care what you think you should get, if you don't like our break policy go somewhere else!
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Work sucks....
That is kind of an understatement...
Work is pure HELL!!!
I think I would prefer stabbing out my eyes with a blunt knife or a spoon as opposed to going to work each day. It wouldn't be so bad if the people I worked with weren't complete fuck bags, with the exception of a couple of people (you know who you are :) ).
With that I will now make a list of the best ways to have a successful business:
ALWAYS ALWAYS show up to work drunk or hung over it just makes the work atmosphere so much better when you are standing around trying not to fall over and bitching people out that happen to get to close to you. This will also give you an excuse to stand around and do nothing all day and still get paid for it.
In the retail business it is also acceptable to never order what you need and over order what you don't need. I mean when you put something on sale there is no need to order more than you usually do you should actually order less, that way when people come in expecting to buy this product you can just tell them you are out of it and not have to actually do any work. This is a fine example of how all business have got ahead in the game. And if you aren't selling something to began with order a shit ton more cause then logically you start selling it and not end up throwing it away and causing your waste to go through the roof.
It is also acceptable to leave everything that needs to be done for the third shift coworker. It only makes sense they are the only one there and can't move too far from the register so why not let them fill the cooler where they can't monitor the store or keep up with who gets gas. This should actually be a treat for them cause then people can come in and steal stuff and they don't have to worry about dealing with customers. While you are not doing your duties and leaving them for third shift why not go ahead and take a smoke break every hour you deserve it but make sure that you bitch about everyone else taking their breaks at their approved times because god forbid they get a break when you get one every hour.
If you happen to lift a finger to do something (god forbid) and you make a mess NEVER EVER attempt to clean it up this should be ignored and left for someone else to deal with. It will thrill them when they stumble upon it and have something to do. Also, if you use the last of something do not attempt to fill it the next person will get it.
If a product happens to get to popular it should be discontinued immediately! If people know you have something they actually like they might start shopping there and that would take away from your smoke breaks and your much needed recovery from the couple of thirty packs you consumed four hours prior to coming to work. This would not be a good thing retail is not about making money for the company it is about standing around, dicking off, and getting paid for it.
Should the dreaded day arrive that you actually have to do a shift duty you should never attempt to do it right or completely this would take away from the fun of the next person fixing it or finishing it. You aren't getting paid to actually finish a task you are getting paid to not do it or half ass do it then write your name down stating that you did finish it.
If your business sells food you should always make the food that is the least popular and has the highest hold time that way people will not buy it and your food display looks full. Don't worry if the hold time is up the food should be good for another 5 hours it's not like anyone was going to buy it to begin with.
If you do happen to hire someone else to stand around and keep the other coworkers company make sure that they have at least one of these qualities: are on food stamps, are a drunk, or already have family members working there. If they have all three that would be ideal this should help insure that they are lazy, unmotivated, and will be unproductive.
This concludes my list.
I would like to thank Kwik Trip, INC. for teaching me the fundamentals to running a successful business. Keep up the good work you should go out of business anytime now!
Work is pure HELL!!!
I think I would prefer stabbing out my eyes with a blunt knife or a spoon as opposed to going to work each day. It wouldn't be so bad if the people I worked with weren't complete fuck bags, with the exception of a couple of people (you know who you are :) ).
With that I will now make a list of the best ways to have a successful business:
ALWAYS ALWAYS show up to work drunk or hung over it just makes the work atmosphere so much better when you are standing around trying not to fall over and bitching people out that happen to get to close to you. This will also give you an excuse to stand around and do nothing all day and still get paid for it.
In the retail business it is also acceptable to never order what you need and over order what you don't need. I mean when you put something on sale there is no need to order more than you usually do you should actually order less, that way when people come in expecting to buy this product you can just tell them you are out of it and not have to actually do any work. This is a fine example of how all business have got ahead in the game. And if you aren't selling something to began with order a shit ton more cause then logically you start selling it and not end up throwing it away and causing your waste to go through the roof.
It is also acceptable to leave everything that needs to be done for the third shift coworker. It only makes sense they are the only one there and can't move too far from the register so why not let them fill the cooler where they can't monitor the store or keep up with who gets gas. This should actually be a treat for them cause then people can come in and steal stuff and they don't have to worry about dealing with customers. While you are not doing your duties and leaving them for third shift why not go ahead and take a smoke break every hour you deserve it but make sure that you bitch about everyone else taking their breaks at their approved times because god forbid they get a break when you get one every hour.
If you happen to lift a finger to do something (god forbid) and you make a mess NEVER EVER attempt to clean it up this should be ignored and left for someone else to deal with. It will thrill them when they stumble upon it and have something to do. Also, if you use the last of something do not attempt to fill it the next person will get it.
If a product happens to get to popular it should be discontinued immediately! If people know you have something they actually like they might start shopping there and that would take away from your smoke breaks and your much needed recovery from the couple of thirty packs you consumed four hours prior to coming to work. This would not be a good thing retail is not about making money for the company it is about standing around, dicking off, and getting paid for it.
Should the dreaded day arrive that you actually have to do a shift duty you should never attempt to do it right or completely this would take away from the fun of the next person fixing it or finishing it. You aren't getting paid to actually finish a task you are getting paid to not do it or half ass do it then write your name down stating that you did finish it.
If your business sells food you should always make the food that is the least popular and has the highest hold time that way people will not buy it and your food display looks full. Don't worry if the hold time is up the food should be good for another 5 hours it's not like anyone was going to buy it to begin with.
If you do happen to hire someone else to stand around and keep the other coworkers company make sure that they have at least one of these qualities: are on food stamps, are a drunk, or already have family members working there. If they have all three that would be ideal this should help insure that they are lazy, unmotivated, and will be unproductive.
This concludes my list.
I would like to thank Kwik Trip, INC. for teaching me the fundamentals to running a successful business. Keep up the good work you should go out of business anytime now!
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Am I really here or is this just a dream?
I can never seem to completely justify that I am actually here and not just laying somewhere comatose in a bed dreaming this all up. Sometimes I feel like I have a completely different perspective on life then everyone else. Sometimes I just think that maybe I am crazy and some of the things that I think are happening in reality are really just happening in my head. I tend to day dream and stare off into space a lot and and come up with a different scenarios for every little thing that might happen to me that day or what might happen if I say different things to people then not remember if what i was thinking actually did happen or I was just thinking that it might happen. Occasionally I get so engrossed in my own mind that I forget there are other people around and that these people are attempting to talk and interact with me, which unfortunately leads to me ignoring a lot of people all the time (sorry!). Maybe I really am crazy and this is just the longest dream ever or I think way too much about insignificant things that shouldn't bother me. I have had some pretty vivid dreams that when I woke up couldn't be sure if they actually happened in my sleep or when I was awake which got me started on this new theory of mine. For all I know I could be strapped to a bed in a straight jacket under heavy medication in some insane asylum instead of sitting at my computer typing this out. Maybe I will find out one day but if my theory is right I would rather go on believing that this isn't a dream and it is in fact reality but who is to say what reality is maybe we are all asleep somewhere and dreaming this world together kind of like the matrix? Oh well I'm gonna stop now before I do end up medicated somewhere.
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